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First of all, apologies for not posting anything for a long time. I lacked the inspiration and I thought it’d be better to wait and share something meaningful rather than write for the sake of writing.

For the last few weeks I was posting on my FB page articles and Ted talks proving profound and sometimes unexpected benefits of yoga and meditation, either in form of a proper scientific research or simply real stories of individuals. Those included body and health related issues such as increased immunity, control over functions believed to be purely involuntary (http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/science-behind-consciously-controlling-your-immune-system-mind-body-connection.html ) or allergy resistance (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/09/how-yoga-helped-me-beat-my-allergies-rachna-parmar/).

What was even more fascinating for me were the effects of meditation on human mind, changing the personality and behavioural patterns of regular practitioners. For example, one research proved meditation doesn’t just make us more focused, calm and even happier but also more emphatic (http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxCambridge-Sara-Lazar-on-how;search%3Asara%20lazar ). Those results don’t only apply to Buddhist monks or the likes, they were observed also among complete beginners in the art of meditation. Even more astonishingly, meditation can completely change the behaviour and outlook on life of people as violent and troubled as prison inmates. Two completely separate documentaries showed how the levels of aggression dropped in an Indian and American prison after just one Vipassana course taken by the prisoners (http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Vipassana-Meditation-and-Body-S;search%3Aeilona%20ariel ).

While it was all exciting and worth sharing, I started having serious doubts about my own practice. Because, to be honest, despite practicing yoga regularly for 10 years and Vipassana meditation for more than 3 years, I can hardly see those mind effects that are so common among others, including many of my students. I start feeling increasingly worried that I do something wrong. Otherwise, how is it possible that the calming effect of meditation (and yoga) doesn’t really work for me?

Meditation on the train a (short) moment of calmness

Well, I cannot say it doesn’t work at all. I certainly can see how I’ve changed since I took up yoga. I was a troubled teenager, full of pessimism, sadness, hatred and fear. Now, overall, I’m highly content with my life, I don’t feel hatred to anyone (though I still hold a grudge) and my unfounded, out-of-proportion fears turned into much more manageable, down-to-earth worries. But there is a whole range of problems that doesn’t seem to get any better.

The one that is by far the hardest to tackle is anger. It seems incredible that I can meditate for one hour and then get drawn into an argument shorty after finishing. The truth is, when the anger approaches, there is this split second just before the outburst when I have a CHOICE. One voice tells me: ‘go for it, you have the full right to shout/swear/be nasty’, the other one still remembers all Yoga and Vipassana warnings on how self-destructive and futile it’d be. I almost always choose wrong and let the anger overcome me. I regret that choice very soon after the outburst but that doesn’t change much. Bad karma was already created.

DSC02398 on holidays in Wales

Let’s take an example of my recent holidays in Wales. I started the day with a short yoga and meditation session. I felt wonderful and positively charged for the day ahead. Everything shattered as me and my husband missed the train to Victoria station and the next one simply never arrived. I started blaming him even though I knew deep inside it was me who left home too late. We missed the bus to Cardiff and I was already very morose as my precious plan was shattered. On the way to the station, I managed to calm down a bit and come to terms with the fact we’re going to miss that bus. Not for long. I got annoyed again upon arrival at the bus station where it turned out we had to wait another 1.5h for a different bus. I felt my day was WASTED and moaned about it for quite a while. As you can see by this example, I’m a master of making myself miserable, despite the fact I know perfectly well how this mechanism works and how self- destructive it is. Altogether, the holidays proved to be perfect and whatever I haven’t seen due to lack of time I could easily see on another occasion. Sadly, the mind in time of agitation is not logical and my plan-making obsession doesn’t help either. It’s 10 years now I’ve been learning about the importance of staying in the present moment and my thoughts still linger most of the time in the future.

One thing I detest most is lying and being hypocritical. Meeting my students only during the classes and then communicating via blog and FB I can easily be (mis)taken for a shining example of a yogi. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I put a mask when I’m teaching. No, teaching yoga (as well as doing Thai Yoga Massage) puts me in entirely different dimension when I follow my intuition and stay on a sort of natural ‘high’, boosted by the positive energies of my students. Nevertheless, I’m back to my normal, flawed self literally minutes after the end of the class. It’s exactly the same thing with meditation.

IMG_0825 teaching transforms me

Now, approaching my 30th birthday and 10th year of yoga practice, I am reflecting upon what is preventing me from any progress on a spiritual path. Of course, the main culprit is ego, as strong and defiant as ever. But I dissected the issue further to be able to find some solution. My friends know me as a person of iron determination and self-discipline. Whatever I plan, I execute in painstaking detail, whatever I strive for, I achieve and whatever I deny myself, I stick to it. It’s time to use those qualities to its full potential.

So I wrote down my 10 commandments. Things I’m aware of doing again and again, things I know they don’t do me or others around me any good and that I still fail to overcome despite a wish to change it. I’m like a smoker who quits smoking only to come back to it over and over again. My strongest resolution is to change it. Once and for all. And I believe I have strength to do it.

Here are my personal 10 commandments:

1.Meditate daily, even if it’s just 10 min first thing in the morning or last thing before sleeping
2.Do things slowly, without hurry. You will enjoy them more and stay calmer.
3.Remind yourself to be grateful for what you have, every day
4.Give with love, even if you’re not going to get anything in return
5.Before each anger eruption breathe deeply, count to 10 and then see if it’s worth to proceed
6.Don’t use swearwords
7.Don’t blame others
8.Don’t order other people to do things for you and don’t put psychological pressure on them
9.Don’t worry if your plan was not 100% successful
10.Don’t ponder over what could have been done better, settle with what is

Except for controlling negative emotions and being overly focused on the future, I have trouble with being selfless. I do enjoy EXCHANGE of any kind and it makes me happy to see others happy. But I’m not so eager to give without getting anything in return. If it happens, I tend to ill-think of those who ‘used’ me. I’m also a self- centered person which makes me bossy and lacking in empathy.

Being more positive than I used to be, I find acknowledging the problems already the first step towards solving them. But enough of half- hearted attempts and self- justifications. It’s time to change.